


Egotistical Confessions of Two, Tortured Genii

by recipe for insanity (sabriel75)



Category: Death Note
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Study, God Complex, Hate, Hate Sex, Implied Relationships, Implied Torture, Introspection, Love/Hate, M/M, Psychoanalysis, Psychological Drama, Psychological Torture, Sexual Content, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-11
Updated: 2012-03-11
Packaged: 2017-11-01 19:30:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/360424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabriel75/pseuds/recipe%20for%20insanity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Light and L fight for dominance one day at a time. As they see more of each other, their kindred souls revealed, a new game is played. Follows canon in a strange way. Thirteen ficlets to make the written portrait whole. Spoilers up to seventh novel.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bored to Death

_**Man is least himself when he talks in his own person.  
Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.  
(Oscar Wilde)** _

 

The actor is beautiful. His mask, elegantly crafted by a lifetime of practices, eases him into the role he now plays. Righteous fury, skillfully wrought, invigorates his performance. Only his innocently wide-eyed glares call forth pity from the stoniest of hearts. Every movement he makes trebled with grace and poise. Every step defined, perfectly polished for the sole benefit of enriching his one-man act. He refuses to admit, he may have found the audience he desired.

How does one explain that boredom leads to death?

The audience is captivated. His tell-tale admiration increases when he recognizes the boy for what he is… a kindred spirit. A fellow actor, with only one equal. His own egotistical, childish attitude reflected on and off-screen by the suspect chained to him. The cameras offer him glimpses into the aspirations of Kira, and he cannot help but delight in the brilliance his act delivers. Only his carefully, constructed persona sharpens the paranoia building in the other's psyche. He alone can see the guilt, where others cannot or will not.


	2. Imagining God

_**Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything,  
it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.  
(Sylvia Plath)** _

 

Who says God doesn't have needs or wants or desires?

Light imagined God must.

 _God becomes jealous_. How could he not feel jealousy when he was subjected to the need or desire or want for worship, reverence, adoration, and the unadulterated attention of his people?

Who says God doesn't display emotions or feelings?

Light imagined God must.

 _God becomes angry_. How could he not feel anger when he had foreknown the presence of his enemies or felt the disgust of injustice or the betrayal of his own heart?

Who says God doesn't truly exist?

Light imagined God must.

 _Gods of Death existed._  How could he not exist when he righteously judged the immoral or combated illogical interpretations of Kira's ideals or warded off subconscious doubt and L's suspicions daily?

Imagining God was not hard for Light Yagami.  
Avoiding the condemnation in his lover's eyes as they glassed over in death was torture.  
Light clung to the DeathNote for reaffirmation.


	3. Awakening the Devil Inside

_**They that worship God merely from fear,  
Would worship the devil too, if he appear.  
(Irish Proverb)** _

 

L did not believe perfection existed. Nor did he desire for it to exist.

 _People were evil, selfish creatures._  Social mores and peer pressure forced people into their seemingly idyllic lives. However, he, unrestrained by such bondage, really noticed the truly sickening perversion that motored the society of today.

This one constant kept his universe spinning on its axis. This one constant gave his life meaning. This one constant allowed him limitless power.

In fact, he rather felt like the devil, corralling evildoers into one place. Prison was not so grand of place to be likened to the literary Hells described, but it came close enough to expectations one had of Hell that it sufficed. Once more, society as a whole witnessed true justice and was given an authentic reason for living without sin.

_Until Kira._

Kira believed in a perfect, ideal world. Kira believed Heaven and Hell existed in a black and white state where life was given or denied.

 _Light in all his attractive glory, really was the devil._  Just like his namesake, Lucifer, the boy easily outshined anything or anyone around him. His beautiful, red lips spawned immature, unrealized prophecies that incited L's wrath every time they were aimed at him. Zealous and steadfast, he judged L unworthy for his idolatry and belief in himself with a flick of his delicate wrists. He possessed the detective with seductively innocent looks, and breathed hope and humanity in him when no one else could. He slowly tainted the older man's perspective.

L now desired God.

He desired perfection.

But he desired more than anything to capture the Light.


	4. Blind Justice

_**I love reason, but I am no fanatic in my love.  
Reason is our guide and beacon-light;  
but when you have made a divinity of it,  
it will blind you and instigate you to crime.  
(Anatole France)** _

 

The battle was lost with the invasion of his tongue. L let the boy sweep him into the intoxicating whirlwind of lust and pleasure. His baser desires pressuring him into action. He surged forward matching the younger's power play and trapping him against the exit. He would not escape tonight's activity unblemished.

No person should wield such temptation and yet, L knew he would never be able to needle his way completely into this boy's soul. His heart and mind and soul were damned, and L simply glimpsed the remnants of what could've been perfection, immortal. His eyes shut tightly, he sought the only bitter taste he could stand.

But even in this inebriated state of passion, L fully realized why justice must be blind: for if she ever had laid eyes on Light, she'd be as worthless as he.


	5. Love's Labour's Lost

_**The paradoxical and tragic situation of man  
is that his conscience is weakest  
when he needs it the most.  
(Erich Fromm)** _

 

Kira felt himself being mesmerized.

Sickening really, how his heart gave out so easily and his body put out so easily. Mentally he tried telling himself that he was only taking part in this torture as punishment for the other's disbelief. Even now after the removal of his naïve former self, he craved every faithless response the heretic had to offer. How vile that he, no, Light, had freely forgiven the non-believer and accepted his recreant ministrations of loyalty. In his impassioned pleas for mercy, Kira truly uncovered the heinous ways traitors to the New World used to blaspheme his name.

L smiled gloriously as Kira willingly sacrificed his pride yet another night.


	6. The Sacrificial Lamb

_**Self-sacrifice which denies common sense is not a virtue.  
It's a spiritual dissipation.  
(Margaret Deland)** _

 

L had no desire to be the sacrificial lamb. Especially not for a world that refused to save itself. Nor would he allow Kira to win so easily or allow Kira to feed his ego with yet another one of his  _noblest of intentions_.

" _ **He was led…"**_

Feather light caresses spurred on L's weakening resolve. He arched his back as the delicate, cool fingertips fueled even more of those hated, heated responses. Tangy, quick kisses with a hint of tongue and teeth incited a fury of emotions to unwillingly burn in his obsidian orbs. Snow-white skin flushed against sun-kissed skin tantalized him with the promise of enlightenment in this union of two tortured souls.

" _ **Like a sheep to the slaughter…"**_

The biblical quote rampantly ticked through L's brain, curdling his stomach. Especially when mahogany-colored eyes razed his body with a predatory air. Narrowed in intensity, they fastidiously examined him, as though he were some offering to appease God, and searching for any flaw or blemish that would make him unworthy. Seeking for the truth, he met the incriminating façade with his own and openly dismissed the power emanating from the other. No words were necessary. A guilty verdict had already been passed. This judgment day had been for show.

" _ **So he made no sound."**_

_**  
** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read Acts 8:32 or Isaiah 53:7 for the actual translation of the Bible Verse I tinkered slightly with for this ficlet.


	7. Match Point

_**Boys frustrate me. I hate all their indirect messages,  
I hate game playing. Do you like me or don't you?  
Just tell me so I can get over you.  
(Kirsten Dunst)** _

 

Every time the boy's wide-eyed innocence seeped through the monitors, L cringed. What had become of the sly, scheming male that had pummeled him on the tennis court? This person was not the Light Yagami he knew and enjoyed. This image of superior beauty, of intense devotion to good, of complete denial of any wrong-doing threw L's mental balance askew.

How could such a perfectly idealistic and unimpugnable human play the sadistic, mercurial games L knew and delighted in playing?

Truthfully, and L was always truthful with himself, he desperately longed for Kira to return.


	8. My Only Vice

_**Reality is merely an illusion,  
although a very persistent one.  
(Albert Einstein)** _

 

Love was like a drug.

How cliché?

L didn't care for once in his life.

Each tantalizing touch was real. The complete and utter lack of deception did not fade like a mirage. The devotion and respect was not a façade. This innocent Light imbued every truthful current he followed with justice, truth and reality.

L had never known anyone with such culpability. How could this angel ever have been the devil L desired? More scarier, was he felt the beginnings of need, want and not just for sake of the game. The reality he enjoyed with this Light met his deepest heartfelt stirrings. His basest desires unmet for most of his life, he now experienced completion. Caring, openness, and admittedly, love that did not come with strings attached. He wanted to embrace it.

Unconditional Love.

How cliché?

L didn't care for once in his life.

He kissed with his heart given freely, his mind lost and his intellect held hostage. Light Yagami was an illusion, but he was L's reality at this moment. An addictive drug that clearly revealed how human L was.

Even if, he was L's only vice.


	9. Significant Other

_**I will not die an unlived life.  
I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire.  
I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me,  
to make me less afraid, more accessible,  
to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.  
I choose to risk my significance;  
(Dawna Markova)** _

 

**Fairy tales are for wusses!**

Light remembered how he had adored reading fairy tales to Sayu. Not solely because of the time spent with his younger sibling, but because he truly, liked the idea of a happily ever after. Admittedly, he had never told anyone about his secret passion, but having a younger sister meant inevitably not having to do so. He just pretended he did it for her, all the while, securing his position of "my hero" in her mind and giving her a real live "prince." If this made him a wuss, he couldn't have cared less. He felt like a prince among men when he read these stories.

**There is no such thing as happily ever after!**

L marveled at how easily Light embraced that magically, unrealistic idea. And yet, he took solace in knowing that the intricately, innate part of this human being he held wrapped in his arms, leaching his very essence out of him, struggling to reach his heart rather than his logic, removing all traces of his hard-earned respect as an empirically, mechanically famed detective, and succeeding; did it all because he truly, optimistically believed there was a happily ever after. For this reason, his heart did sprout wings and take flight. He whispered endearing promises of loyalty, love and devotion without a care in the world, even when his mind taunted him with percentages and end results.


	10. Game Master

_**We had ropes about our necks, and on our heads prices  
which showed that the enemy intended  
hideous tortures for us if we were caught.  
Each day some of us passed,  
and the living knew themselves  
just sentient puppets on God's stage.  
(T. E. Lawrence)** _

 

L forced his agnostic, empirically-controlled mind to process the vision of this monster standing before him. Wait. Not a monster, but a Shinigami.  _God of Death._ He thought he might retch from the disgust he felt. Kira had not played fairly or even on this world's dimension. He had been blessed. Again, wait. No. He had been cursed, possessed by an unseen force that feared neither death nor humanity.

Light Yagami had toyed with him. He had strung L along, leading him into this death trap manipulated by his own intellect, fueled by a supernatural force, and motivated by a naïve, but warped sense of justice. And boredom! God, he couldn't forget the boredom.

_When had his mind last been so lively engaged? When had he ever had the opportunity or desire to interact with his suspect? Even now, knowing his heart, mind, and soul actively fought a battle beyond his limited, entirely humanly however genius it was comprehension, he couldn't regret having played this game._

Even as his every move was counter-attacked and avoided, he continued to strategize. He might not be able to follow Light to the finish. In fact, the percentages crept upwards every day when he took the time to think about it. But more often than not, his mind was more occupied with losing. Never had he had the chance to play a game more intense, more enthralling. He refused to be denied access or made inactive. Even in death, he would make certain that it was his machinations that brought this game to the end. Nothing short of miraculous would do. He was playing against God, was he not?


	11. 'Til Death do us Part

_**Once meek, and in a perilous path,  
The just man kept his course along  
The vale of death.** _

_**Good is the passive that obeys Reason.  
Evil is the active springing from Energy  
Good is Heaven. Evil is Hell.  
(William Blake)** _

 

L did not fear death.

Dying was simply another mystery to be uncovered; a mystery that couldn't be solved in this life. The thought of what lie beyond this plane as another puzzle to be pieced together, fell under things to be anticipated, but never something to be feared.

Of course, he had never planned on ever facing a case that he might not solve or at least have evidentiary proof for closure before making his grand exit from the here and now. And of all things mortal to contemplate, he decided the worst knowledge was how close to experiencing paradise he had come in those few short months with Light. Not Kira, but Light.

Nor did he believe the afterlife included paradise. If anything, his jaded outlook of human nature bespoke of a God who couldn't possibly care enough not to toy further with his creations even after the torment of this lifetime. And really, what kind of maddening thoughts were these? Mortality was always a given and with it the unknown of what came next.

But as he watched the emergence of Kira in the man he loved, blossoming hope rose somewhere in the recesses of his soul. In spite of his fatalistic inclinations and the inevitability of his demise, his heart begged for respite and yearned for more. A chance that if not in this lifetime, then maybe in the next: He and Light might recapture what had been lost here today.

_But then again, maybe it was just another dying man's wish when confronted by the Angel of Death._


	12. The Light at the End of the Tunnel

_**We must select the illusion** _ _**  
which appeals to our temperament,  
and embrace it with passion,  
if we want to be happy.  
(Cyril Vernon Connolly)** _

 

L monitors the boy standing next to him, averted vision allowing him to dissect every unassuming movement he makes without notice. He watches until his sight goes fuzzy and he has to blink his eyes tightly to regain clarity, if such a thing exists for him anymore.

But clarity does come; it just comes with the tolls of death.

The first stroke of fear, of pain stops his heart before allowing it to beat again. In those few moments, L's entire existence built upon an illusion of confidence and disinterest shatters.

All that is left is his dying self, a self more real than any other he has ever been. One that recognizes fear, confusion and pain. Although he is given no time to contemplate these unexpected human responses before the next bolt of pain sends him falling off his chair.

Falling away from the one thing he could not attain.

He knows he doesn't have much time left. And he has never had any need to cling to romantic notions or fanciful imaginations about anything. But Death makes equals of everyone.

So just this once, he thinks, he might try doing what his heart wants.

He wishes to go towards  _that_ Light.


	13. Transfiguration

_**Why, look you now, how unworthy a thing you make of me.  
You would play upon me; you would seem to know my stops;  
you would pluck out the heart of my mystery;  
(William Shakespeare)** _

 

The paradoxical meaning of life split Light into two halves at the whole of his being.

Was he God? Or was he Man?

As the two incarnates battled for dominance, the boy who would be God simply felt numb.

His entire existence flashed before his eyes. He did not blink.  
His conscience shattered around him. He did not come unglued.  
His bleeding heart shamed him. He did not bow to its demands.

The veneer shell he had kept Kira behind cracked and the temporary paralysis in wake of that mental strain gave way. He rushed to L's side. Death's possession of the detective taking hold, Light steeled himself for what came next.

He clung desperately to the only person who made his life bearable. Meaningful even. The beloved detective alone had seen Light in his entirety, wholly Kira and yet wholly human too.

As he revealed himself, in all his divine glory to the dying detective, needing to do so for his own sake, but knowing deep down that it was giving L what he wanted too: His soul prayed that the humanity left in him might be buried with him.

_Because…_

Human, he may be – God, he aspires to be.


End file.
